Funny story, a few years ago I bought my sister this beautiful bracelet for Christmas. It had this verse on it that I had always been fond of. It had pretty beads with little charms throughout that read the Serenity Prayer. When I told my mom what I had bought for my sister, she asked me if I was trying to tell her something. I was so confused. That was the day that I learned that the Serenity Prayer was a prayer of sobriety used at Alcoholics Anonymous. I had no clue.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
The past few days have been difficult for me and this prayer has come to mind several times. I am home alone with the kids right now while Peter is in Virginia with his parents. My patience has been tested and I find myself stopping for deep breaths quite often. A little voice in my head then says "Please God, give me...", or "Please God, grant me...". The funny part is that I stop short of completing that sentence. Is it because I need so much help right now that one word or thought could not possibly be enough? Don't get me wrong, my problems are not huge..nothing earth shattering but enough to bring me to my knees in prayer so here goes:
God, grant me the patience to not yell or get mad when Pierson poops his pants. Help me help him instead of threatening him with some kind of punishment. Help me get over it and move on instead of feeling mad at him. Help me remember that he needs me to show him love and not disappointment.
God, grant me the calm to sit quietly while Peter tells me what is happening in Virginia. Allow me to sit and listen and not interrupt with the millions of questions running through my head. Help me not to get frustrated with his parents for not knowing to ask the right questions.
God, grant me the willpower to stop eating crap and start exercising again. Nuff said on that one.
God, give me the energy to keep up with my house. Right now it looks like it threw up on itself. Please give me the strength to go home today and find my closet behind the piles of clothes. Give me the wisdom to remember how to use a hanger. Help me teach my children that it's not normal to live like this and that we are better than this.
God, please help me use my time more wisely.
God, please grant me the courage to say NO when I am not comfortable doing something and have faith in myself to trust my instinct and not second guess my decisions.
God, please help me remember that these are the formative years in my children's lives and they will remember what I do, how I do it, what I say and how I say it. They are listening even when I don't think they are.
God, help me lose the guilt that I'm not a good enough mom. My kids think I am a good mom..I should listen to them more.
God, please help me lose the guilt that I am not a good enough friend, daughter and sister.
God, please remind me daily that I am only one person.
I am afraid that I could go on like this all day and while this was quite therapeutic, I think I will end there for now. I feel like I should mention that God must have bigger fish to fry today because while I typed this, I ate a handful of jelly beans, told a friend that I wasn't sure if I would be at exercise class tomorrow, wondered if Pierson pooped for the villagers today (you know.."It takes a village..." he's at daycare today) and checked Facebook two times (it would have been more but apparently the site is down)..Oh..and did I mention... I'm at work?
I think I have a lot to work on.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
..Fast Forward 7 Months!
Holy Camole!! Where do I even begin? The last time I wrote was the week before school started. Here we are now, at the end of Spring Break. I think it might be time I get back at it! So much has happened during these 7 months that I truly don't know where to start!
Let's see, one year ago I wrote about getting out of town. I was about to leave for 10 days away from my family. I went to Rancho La Puerta with my mom and had the time of my life, exercising, eating well and simply relaxing. I sit at my kitchen counter typing away today, one year later, having just sent my husband off to Virginia to spend a few days with his parents. He was supposed to leave today on a golf trip with some buddies. He gets invited on this trip every year but never goes due to scheduling or financial issues. This was his year. Until his dad was diagnosed with cancer. A few phone calls later he rearranged his plans to be with his parents instead. The diagnosis has been pretty confusing and the course of treatment changes every day but Radiation treatments finally started yesterday and will continue for 4-6 weeks. We are hopeful that the prognosis is good.
I'm so proud of Peter for choosing to go home. His parents need him right now. To many people it's a no brainer that he made the decision that he did, to go home instead of on his golf trip. It doesn't mean that it was an easy decision. Peter knew immediately after hearing about his father that he would change his plans. But it's no surprise, being human and all, that he would also suffer a twinge of disappointment for having to cancel his trip. I feel bad for him. He works his tail off and rarely is rewarded with something fun, just for him. He is such a compassionate person who puts everyone else first that I have to wonder, at what point will he break? How much can one person take before it all catches up? He has a family whom he puts at the top of his priority list but also runs a Hospital and that kind of job can't be put on hold. It doesn't wait. Life doesn't wait. Add to that the concern for his father and I can only imagine how his brain, not to mention his heart, must be full of anxiety. Say a prayer for him, and his family if you think of it. They can use it!
In the mean time, something interesting happened to me at Meijer the other night. I was walking into the store around 7:00 pm, talking to my dad on my cell phone, when a man probably in his late 20's walked up to me and interrupted my phone conversation saying "Can I ask you a question? It will be quick!" So I asked my dad to hang on and gave this man my attention. "I am about $6 shy of being able to pay for my prescription, do you think you can help me out?" I will admit, I was surprised! This is not what I would expect to happen outside of Meijer in Traverse City. I was immediately uncomfortable. I did not lie to him. I explained that I had no cash and that I only had a debit card and I'm sorry, I cannot help you. He looked crestfallen, sort of like I was his last chance. I felt bad but I walked into the store and told my dad, sill hanging on the line what had just happened. His first reaction was "Yeah! Right!". I wasn't so sure that I didn't believe him but I was uncomfortable none the less. I tried to go about my business but this incident stuck with me. I had made it thru the produce section when I looked back toward the front door and saw this guy still out there, soliciting other people for "help". I decided it was inappropriate and I told an employee so that they could decide for themselves if this was against some "Meijer Law". He was gone the next time I looked. Either he found someone to give him money or Meijer asked him to leave.
I needed to put this out there and find out what you would have done had you been in my shoes. I was talking about this with some friends over dinner a couple of nights later. The other gentleman at the table brought politics into it and said "To show you how democratic I am..here is what I would have done! I would have walked him back to the pharmacy and if he truly had a prescription to be picked up, I would have paid for it. If he did not, I would have told him 'Shame on you.." He went on about how there are people out there who cannot pay for their prescriptions and truly do need the help. I understand that but as his counterpart pointed out, there are programs for that. I was left thinking about all the ways the situation could have been handled and did the way I handled it make me somehow less compassionate? The guy wanted $6. I was pretty sure he wasn't going to go buy drugs or alcohol with it. He did not appear to be homeless or like he was on some kind of bender. He clothes were clean, he was shaven and he didn't look all that different from some of my own friends. The bottom line for me, I was uncomfortable with the ease in which he was outside of a busy store asking me, a total stranger to pay for something for him. And I don't know that it was easy for him, I don't know anything about him or what prescription he needed, or if it was for him or for his wife or child or parent or what? The reason I don't know these things is because I don't know him. And since I don't know him, why would I make his problem, my problem? This is where I struggle. I hate how that sounds. I hate that it makes me sound mean, uncaring and unable to be bothered with this man and his troubles. I hate that I believe on one hand that, yes..one person can make a different and yes, one vote really does count, but then I turn around and believe that I am only one person, a person with her own issues and problems and I cannot solve the world's as well and I certainly can't give money to every person who asks for it. So where does that leave me? If my friend says so clearly that his solution to my Meijer problem shows just "how democratic he is", does that mean the decision I made shows just how one sided, or "Republican" I am? And how did this conversation become political anyway?
What would you have done? No judging..just tell me because I am so intrigued to hear the different ways that people would have handled this situation.
Til then,
K
Let's see, one year ago I wrote about getting out of town. I was about to leave for 10 days away from my family. I went to Rancho La Puerta with my mom and had the time of my life, exercising, eating well and simply relaxing. I sit at my kitchen counter typing away today, one year later, having just sent my husband off to Virginia to spend a few days with his parents. He was supposed to leave today on a golf trip with some buddies. He gets invited on this trip every year but never goes due to scheduling or financial issues. This was his year. Until his dad was diagnosed with cancer. A few phone calls later he rearranged his plans to be with his parents instead. The diagnosis has been pretty confusing and the course of treatment changes every day but Radiation treatments finally started yesterday and will continue for 4-6 weeks. We are hopeful that the prognosis is good.
I'm so proud of Peter for choosing to go home. His parents need him right now. To many people it's a no brainer that he made the decision that he did, to go home instead of on his golf trip. It doesn't mean that it was an easy decision. Peter knew immediately after hearing about his father that he would change his plans. But it's no surprise, being human and all, that he would also suffer a twinge of disappointment for having to cancel his trip. I feel bad for him. He works his tail off and rarely is rewarded with something fun, just for him. He is such a compassionate person who puts everyone else first that I have to wonder, at what point will he break? How much can one person take before it all catches up? He has a family whom he puts at the top of his priority list but also runs a Hospital and that kind of job can't be put on hold. It doesn't wait. Life doesn't wait. Add to that the concern for his father and I can only imagine how his brain, not to mention his heart, must be full of anxiety. Say a prayer for him, and his family if you think of it. They can use it!
In the mean time, something interesting happened to me at Meijer the other night. I was walking into the store around 7:00 pm, talking to my dad on my cell phone, when a man probably in his late 20's walked up to me and interrupted my phone conversation saying "Can I ask you a question? It will be quick!" So I asked my dad to hang on and gave this man my attention. "I am about $6 shy of being able to pay for my prescription, do you think you can help me out?" I will admit, I was surprised! This is not what I would expect to happen outside of Meijer in Traverse City. I was immediately uncomfortable. I did not lie to him. I explained that I had no cash and that I only had a debit card and I'm sorry, I cannot help you. He looked crestfallen, sort of like I was his last chance. I felt bad but I walked into the store and told my dad, sill hanging on the line what had just happened. His first reaction was "Yeah! Right!". I wasn't so sure that I didn't believe him but I was uncomfortable none the less. I tried to go about my business but this incident stuck with me. I had made it thru the produce section when I looked back toward the front door and saw this guy still out there, soliciting other people for "help". I decided it was inappropriate and I told an employee so that they could decide for themselves if this was against some "Meijer Law". He was gone the next time I looked. Either he found someone to give him money or Meijer asked him to leave.
I needed to put this out there and find out what you would have done had you been in my shoes. I was talking about this with some friends over dinner a couple of nights later. The other gentleman at the table brought politics into it and said "To show you how democratic I am..here is what I would have done! I would have walked him back to the pharmacy and if he truly had a prescription to be picked up, I would have paid for it. If he did not, I would have told him 'Shame on you.." He went on about how there are people out there who cannot pay for their prescriptions and truly do need the help. I understand that but as his counterpart pointed out, there are programs for that. I was left thinking about all the ways the situation could have been handled and did the way I handled it make me somehow less compassionate? The guy wanted $6. I was pretty sure he wasn't going to go buy drugs or alcohol with it. He did not appear to be homeless or like he was on some kind of bender. He clothes were clean, he was shaven and he didn't look all that different from some of my own friends. The bottom line for me, I was uncomfortable with the ease in which he was outside of a busy store asking me, a total stranger to pay for something for him. And I don't know that it was easy for him, I don't know anything about him or what prescription he needed, or if it was for him or for his wife or child or parent or what? The reason I don't know these things is because I don't know him. And since I don't know him, why would I make his problem, my problem? This is where I struggle. I hate how that sounds. I hate that it makes me sound mean, uncaring and unable to be bothered with this man and his troubles. I hate that I believe on one hand that, yes..one person can make a different and yes, one vote really does count, but then I turn around and believe that I am only one person, a person with her own issues and problems and I cannot solve the world's as well and I certainly can't give money to every person who asks for it. So where does that leave me? If my friend says so clearly that his solution to my Meijer problem shows just "how democratic he is", does that mean the decision I made shows just how one sided, or "Republican" I am? And how did this conversation become political anyway?
What would you have done? No judging..just tell me because I am so intrigued to hear the different ways that people would have handled this situation.
Til then,
K
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
